Memorial Stories of Warriors: Honoring the Babies Who Left Us Too Soon
- Charlie's Warrior of the Angels
- May 2
- 11 min read
A Message of Compassion and Strength for Families Finding their way in memorializing their child
There will never be a universal way to memorialize your child. Every child is unique and every Mother, and Father grieve differently. No two losses are the same and each person's journey vary drastically. As a mother you may want to have all your child's things out and easily visible, but your spouse may want to put all your child's things away because it hurts too much to see them being unused. Each perspective is perfectly normal but, in this situation, clear communication should be made a priority as to not upset and distance yourself from your spouse. That being said, it may not an easy task to have rational conversation about this when your emotions and grief is so raw.
This month we share some methods to memorialize your child and stories from fellow loss parents on how they have memorialized their child. It may seem impossible that the deep, pure pain you're experiencing right now has any chance of becoming anything different but just know that it is possible. Somehow each day, you will become more and more capable of putting one foot in front of the other. No matter how small the steps you take and even if you occasionally take steps backwards you are moving through your grief journey and can do this. You are a mother no matter where your baby is. Just like a mother with a baby in her arms you will find ways to honor your child. Of course, if you ever feel like you need more help than you have, please reach out. You are never alone
Methods of Memorializing your Child
Journaling
There are many benefits of journaling, especially following such a profound loss as a baby. Journaling allows you write your thoughts down that may seem impossible to speak or even helps you to understand your own emotions as you travel through your grief journey. You may even use it as a way of spending time with your lost child, as I do every day. It allows you to have a routine that includes your child, which may make you feel closer to them. They do not need to be shared with anyone, but they can be beautiful to look back on to see the growth and strength that you have accomplished throughout the years. My own experience and success with journaling inspired Charlie Polizzi's Warrior of the Angels Soothing Hearts Program at Albany Medical Center. Through this program we provide over 80 journals packages annually, which include gift cards for local restaurants to parents of infant admitted to Albany Medical Center. We hope it provides a glimmer of light in a time of darkness.
Photo Collage/Video/Scrapbooking
Having a memorial wall set up in your home can be therapeutic for parents as it gives a sense of physical presence in the home when there is a huge lack of it elsewhere. Creating a photo collage video of your child to the song that you connect most closely to for your child can do the same. We were able to have a photographer come into the recovery room when I was holding Charlie, so we have photos but many, if not most were after he past. To me, and probably many parents of infant loss, photos are precious, because it is all you have left. I thought I was going to forget what Charlie looked like and how he smelled, and these photos and our video photo collage helped me cope during this time. Finding what works for you with the photo(s) you have available is important and know that this will become easier to carry. It doesn't become lighter you just grow and strengthen around it.
Fundraising for a Cause
Some families become heavily involved with fundraising for a cause. For Tom and I, it was for Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH) Research and supporting parents of infant loss, as those are what hit home the most for us. This does not mean you have to have a large capacity to give, but the drive to support the cause. For us, we wanted to build a foundation which had a drive to see a difference in the future of CDH and building connections in ways that make a large impact. This method of memorizing can be anything from making a monthly donation to creating your own fundraiser. Fundraising is not for everyone and that is all right. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, maybe except yourself. You need to believe in yourself and that your baby loves you whether in your arms or eternally your guardian angel.
Finding the "Right" Group of Friends
It may take time but finding the "right" group of friends but once you find the cohort of friends that align well with you, you feel more balanced. You recognize that your actions and emotions are normal and may in some situations be healthy in guiding you through your grief journey. This group will look different for everyone. For some, this may be a group of other loss parents, for others it could be long time friends that are willing to help you through this traumatizing time in your life. It may be a group that is willing to sit and listen or simply, just be present with you, where you are at. Sometimes this group of friends may be the people that force you get out of bed each morning and help you make it through each second, minute, hour or day. This is will most likely be the group that helps you memorialize your child the most because they know that it, very likely, is that most important thing that will help you become whole again. Moving through loss and grief does not mean putting the past behind you, it means finding ways to carry it with you. That is why this group is so important in assisting you in accomplishing this.
Plant a Garden
A garden is a beautiful way to show your love for your child. You can plant flowers that you connect with your child. You may choose flowers of certain colors to align with the cause you are supporting for your child. Gardens have resilience and regrowth and following the loss of a baby those are 2 qualities that you can't live without.
You may even want to incorporate garden decorations such as stones or windmills to memorialize your baby. I have a wonderful heart decoration made of river glass, wrought iron and stone in my garden. Gardening can be very peaceful and can help you process your grief and all the emotions connected to it.
Plant a Tree
Planting a tree is a wonderful way of watching growth through the years. It can represent the growth and strength that you build around your loss and grief. It can also allow you to visualize the growth that your angel baby should be experiencing through the years in a very unique method. Tom and I planted a beautiful maple tree in our back yard following the loss of our Charlie and it is a wonderful sentiment of how strong our Charlie is, and all he can accomplish even from his Heavenly cloud. We even renewed our vows in front of the tree on our 5-year anniversary.
Other Methods of Memorializing your baby
Specially designed teddies that are your babies weight
Light up your house or business in CDH or other cause colors
Make customized scented candles that remind you of your baby
Design a permanent flower arrangement
Paint or have an artist paint a photo of your baby or something that reminds you of them
Make a pottery design
Make a meal or beverage that reminds you of them. This may be something you craved during pregnancy or that made your baby move a lot in the womb.
As with everything surrounding infant loss, there are no clear and concise responses to anything. You lost a lifetime of love, growth and dedication that came from you. This is merely a list of activities that were collected from other loss Mom's that know the confound impact that the loss of your baby has on you. You will find a way to memorialize your baby, and it may not be in any of the way above, and that is alright. You have to be true to your heart because you will always have a connection to your baby, no matter where they are. Love doesn't disappear once your child leaves this world; it is just carried in a different way.
Memorial Stories
William Joe Lopez Sotomayor
January 25, 2023 to February 27, 2023
William has such an old soul, that his parents could sense since the moment they found out about him. His love lives on through his baby sister, who will continue to learn everything about him. 33 days will never be enough time with your child, but his parents are blessed to have gotten that long with him! They love him and miss him so much!
Avett Paul White
March 17, 2020 to March 20, 2020
He lived 40 hours. Longer than any doctor expected. We got to spend that time with him, and we are so blessed because of it.
He had a syndrome we later found out called Simpson Golabi Behmel Syndrome and CDH is one of the defects that can be caused from it.
Owen Paul Monroe
April 22, 2022 to May 12, 2022
Owen Paul Monroe was born on April 22nd of 2022 he was such a sweet boy. He would open his eyes when he heard his Mommy's voice, he wrapped his hand around my fingers. He was my miracle.
Memorializing a loved ones baby
The best way to support your loved one memorialize your baby should be unique to the parents and how they grieve and desire support. This can be planting your own memorial garden, raising funds for the cause, creating a scrapbook or any other variety that your loved one's desire.
One thing that most parents don't need following the loss of their baby is to be told how to grieve. So, for those trying to support loved ones, please steer clear of placing judgement on how they are behaving, because until you experience child loss you cannot understand the sheer pain and strength it takes to put one foot in front of the other. It may be hard to make even the simplest decisions or do the everyday tasks they used to do. Many times, parents don't want to ask for assistance or truly don't know what they want or need. Providing them with simple, everyday support in completing menial tasks such as grocery shopping, making or delivering meals, and folding laundry can mean so much more than a bouquet of flowers. Our Soothing Hearts program aims to do just that by providing journal packages with local restaurants to parents who have lost their baby at Albany Medical Center. Small reminders that you are not alone are very important when you are on the roller coaster of grief following infant loss.
What many family members have a hard time understanding is that this need to memorialize your baby is never ending. Even months, years, decades later you will find that parents have built a new routine around memorializing their babies. Over 8 years later, I still light a candle for at least an hour and fifteen minutes every day to memorialize my Charlie. Why an hour and fifteen minutes? My Charlie only lived for an hour and fifteen minutes and I want to have his light shine every day because, to me, his light shines so very bright and the candle represents the light he shines on my heart and soul.
Try to listen to your loved one and learn their new clicks. It may seem tedious or painful to watch them struggle but know that their heart and mind are in a massive battle that most could never even begin to imagine. Taking the time to understand and communicate calmly will be more valuable to them and they will remember those that sat with them and tried to be present in the space they are in at any given time.
Emotional Support and Community Resources
The journey through loss and grief is never easy, but no one should walk it alone.
Charlie Polizzi's Warrior of the Angels Foundation is dedicated to raising awareness, supporting families, and funding research. At Charlie Polizzi's Warrior of the Angels, families can find resources, education, and a community that understands the heartbreak and the hope of CDH.
Additional Trusted Resources:
Past Blog Topics:
Frequently Asked Questions About honoring the babies who left us too soon
Do I need to partake in my hospital's bereavement program?
Many hospitals have programs where their social work team keeps in touch to check on you as parents for a specific amount of time following your loss. This is a wonderful tool for parents but can feel daunting having to talk to a "stranger" every week about your baby and how you are feeling around their loss. Although this can be a great resource some parents may not be there yet in their grief journey. I would recommend talking to your contact about this and they will most likely honor your request as long as you are safe and mentally sound. Loss of your baby shatters your world, unlike any other loss or life experience. Grieving in an overall healthy manner is crucial to having a safe and successful journey through grief. There is a wide array of resources that you may have available and through time you will determine which is best for you.
Will I be able to build a new life around my present reality?
Although it may seem impossible at times you will find a new balance in your life. You are under construction and it takes time to rebuild after such a profound loss. Just take one step at a time and know that no one should expect you to come out on the other side being the same you as you were before your loss. You may not have wanted to be brave in this way, but you are more resilient than you believe and can accomplish great things no matter what this world throws at you. Somehow, you will find yourself further down the road of grief and feel stronger, braver, but different, and that is alright. You have changed forever, but you are also so much stronger in ways that you may not be able to comprehend right now. If you need assistance in this journey, please do not hesitate to reach out, there are many resources that can assist you.
A Final Note
Memorializing a child lost is no small feat. You will never forget your child and the world around you will continue to move. Sometimes the worlds movement forward may feel like they are pushing away from your child, and sometimes that may be the case, sometimes it is too painful for others to hold onto. Many times, it is the world's way of shielding others from the pain you are experiencing. Most people cannot even begin to comprehend what you are feeling right now. You feel empty, yet like you just can't take on anything else because your heart is so full. Memorialize your child the way that makes you feel most connected to them. Others may question. They may even scrutinize every move you make but many times this is their way of grieving. As the world moves around you, you will feel your mind and heart battle until gradually there becomes a balance between them. This may take months or even years. There will be setbacks and triggers, honestly forever, but they will become easier to take on. Hold onto the memories you have and love the best way you know how.
Though this journey may feel isolating, families are never alone. With the right balance of resources and support, like many of resources provided by Charlie Polizzi's Warrior of the Angels, parents can face their diagnosis, NICU stay, and loss and grief journey with strength, knowledge, and hope.
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